Surviving a Swedish Winter

TEXT: JANN MITCHELL ILLUSTRATION: SID HUTCHINGS


Here are some tried and tested methods to cope with the eternal Swedish winter.


THE FIRST TIME I SAW SWEDEN, it was November. The second was January. It was cold, it was dark – and it seemed crazy that anyone would want to live here.
         Being newly in love eased my misery some, but I was convinced that: a) I was going blind (who can see with pitch-blackness outside and tiny lamps inside?), and b) Those racks of picture postcards depicting baskets of berries in flowering fields and bathers-in-the-buff jumping into the Baltic were – well, surely from some other, WARM country.
         After nearly five years here, I can assure you that the blueberries and bathers were, indeed, photographed in Sweden. You’ll see it all come summer (scheduled for a week in late June).
         In the meantime, here are some tried and tested methods to cope with what seems an eternity of darkness and cold.

LIGHT CANDLES. Candlelight is not only romantic, but it helps you look younger. The house looks lots cleaner, too. IKEA sells ‘em in huge boxes. Set aside a quarter of your household budget for candles. Or dip your own – a popular stuck-in-the-house activity in December.

COUNTER THE COLD. Each time you receive a package from home, save the bubble wrap to layer around your body. It not only provides insulation, but acts as a cushion when you slip on the ice. Ask Jultomten to bring you those anti-slip rubber gizmos which fit over your shoes (available from shoe repair shops). Consider plastic surgery to re-tack your nose on when it snaps off from sub-zero weather.

BEFRIEND THE SNOW. Learn cross-country skiing or ice-skating (timid types can sail across man-made rinks instead of risking open ice). Create Swedish snow lanterns by either punching holes down into the snow with your fist and inserting candles, or constructing a pyramid of snowballs with a votive candle inside. Or why not roll a snowman and see who thaws first – you or him? Save money by considering that huge snow shovel your “personal trainer.”

THINK FUR. Staying warm with animal pelts is an honoured Viking tradition, and it won’t get you splattered with paint by animal activists, either. Furs are fashionable, and even we not-so-fabulously-rich folks can afford sable and such by shopping charity shops. I found one for just 500 kronor. Sure it’s a bit out of style with those big shoulders, but I’m a warm Big Foot or Yeti!

HIBERNATE FOR THE WINTER. Just stay awake all summer (easy to do with so much daylight) and take to your bed for the winter. Take a really l-o-n-g book with you, such “War and Peace” or “Gone with the Wind.” And don’t forget extra batteries for your flashlight or torch. Or crash on the couch and play hot jazz November through February.
         If you don’t want to stay put and play penguin, do what the smart Swedes do: Head south to the warmest clime you can find. Send us a post card.
         But we won’t believe it any more than we do the ones with all the berries...